Once when my brother was in Kindergarten, my dad substituted for his class and says to the students, “Now, I know most of you already know who I am, but while I’m your teacher you have to call me Mr. ****,” and my baby brother looks up at him and goes, “…can I still call you daddy?” And when my dad told the principal this story she turned purple from laughing too hard.
My mommy is the most precious of the mommies. She’s at the baseball game right now and just sent me this text: “I’m 2 for 2 on the hat trick this season. Whoo hoo!”
When I was a baby, strangers would coo over me and my father would boast that I learned my first word and then turn to me, “Go on, just like we practiced yesterday, Emma! Antidisestablishmentarianism!”
My brother is getting ready for junior prom and my dad walks up and hands him a tie clip all serious like, looks him in the eye, and says,
“Son, this clip has been in the family for… 6 months now. Honor the family.”
According to my mother, “it’s only common sense that palm trees look like ejaculating penises.”